#idk why this chapter has been so hard to get into when i've been so excited to write it

[ddeongies]

chapter 14 finally moving????

[evangelifloss]

Thinking about a certain scene in Dungeon Meshi that completely encapsulates the Autistic experience of making friends as an adult and how hard it is to try and navigate it without ending up getting hurt.

Like IDK about y'all, but this is a common problem ALOT of Autistic Adults face when trying to make friends with other people, because unlike children who aren't good at keeping their opinions to themselves, Adults ARE. In society, we're even encouraged to "keep the peace" "be polite" and etc, which commonly leads to awful scenarios as shown above when Laois finds out his buddy has come to resent who Laois is without actually telling him. All too often the friends that we love to hang out with, people that we're so happy to spend time with, don't feel the same way and in many cases, come to blame us for our social cues or lack thereof.

And when/if we do eventually find out how our friend feels, Dungeon Meshi hits us with another painful panel of how that usually ends up playing out.

It's hard for Adults with Autism to make friends, and even harder to maintain them because alot of the ways Neurotypicals tell other Neurotypicals that they don't like a certain behavior is by quietly disengaging. Whether that involves having one sentence answers, going quiet, or having a certain tone in their voice, all those things signal annoyance or disapproval, but for the Neurodivergents, those subtle cues are completely missed.

And yet when we inevitably discover we DID do something, it is natural to ask "well why didn't you tell me?" because in our minds, it should've been the next step in the equation. However for the Neurotypicals, that's NOT something to bring up. Its important to be SUBTLE about the issue at hand and rely on signals to tell the other person. Blame is placed on us for not noticing the "obvious" signs of disapproval rather than the idea of talking it out as such things are uncomfortable and harder to do. Alot of the time what ends up happening is resentment due to the idea that it was "obvious" and the fact one didn't notice indicates a deliberate ignorance rather than a complete unawareness. It ends up calling into question our quality as a person and our sincerity. We get called "fake" or "malicious" or even "stupid" for failing social cues rather than questioning the decision to be indirect and vague.

For a manga about exploring the dungeon, it seems that the artist would rather explore very real and prevalent dynamics in society with the adventuring premise as a backdrop. I felt VERY seen in these panels, and many others, because it happens so suddenly and dare I say it, plainly. There's no dramatic build-up or spectacle made and in essence, it just Happens.

I think that's what makes the scene hit even harder. It seemingly comes out of nowhere for Laois, like how it always comes out of nowhere for alot of people, and it's never a dramatic twist either. It's always mundane and hurtful. A sudden unforeseen bump in the road that ends up calling into question one's entire friendship with someone and consequent other friendships. It asks "what if other friends feel the same. What if the people that I really like actually hate me and I don't know it?" Or at least that's what I came away with after reading the chapter. I've been where Laois was and the only reason I'm not there now is because I lost the naivete I had and doubt everyone else's sincerity.

[bethanysmiled]

uughghg I feel so disconnected from this username but I'll put it under a cut. CW: suicide/death mention

As an artist, I'm always changing in some way. I always accept the changes wholeheartedly, bc that's what growth is. I feel this username is associated with a part of me who is gone now and I worry sometimes people except a certain sort of content, which I obviously wouldn't force myself to produce. I heavily associate this username with a horrific time in my life bc things began to get really rough around the time I began to use this username and then ofc I went on long hiatuses during the use of this username. My sister's death was not an overnight event. Her physical and mental health deteriorated over the course of years. During those years, it consumed me entirely. Mind, body and soul. That's when I became less and less active. That chapter of my life was horrific, but it has passed. When I say 'passed', I mean to say that my sister is gone and will never come back to me. I am existing in a way I never have before, I'm learning to cope and carry on without someone who made up half of my fucking soul and shaped me in too many ways to count. I'm now in a new place mentally and physically, and using this old username really just reminds me of the difficult times and the art I had created back then. I also draw Fortune much less bc my sister and I heavily bonded over her. She became a comfort character for my sister, and she drew her almost daily for me and made me various other gifts. I often see Fortune now as someone who harbors sadness and loss. It's not entirely the case, but in a lot of ways its hard to draw her now. She was my happiness, and I am blessed she was happiness for my sister too. Now, it's hard to find that comfort in her. Anyway, those reasons are why I want to change my username but have no ideas! ALL of my usernames have been inspired by BMSR/Tobacco in the past but I haven't really connected to any songs lately. WOW rant but it's been on my mind for years. If I go with a new username, I won't abandon this account or anything. At least I'm super happy to say I've finally connected to a new nickname! I have been going by Pony for a long time now, I wish it were my real name lol But it's really really nice to have found a connection with a nickname. Anyway thank you for reading and for following me through all my ups and downs and hiatuses and changes.

edit also:

I still heavily associate with the word ‘hole’, so it would be cool to find username with that word. I love the idea of holes and not knowing what is in them. I also have a connection to sunflowers in more recent years, but the word is so long. Idk! Usernames tend to just come to me, so that’s partially why I haven’t officially moved on from this username even tho I have tried 💀 I always revert back bc others didn’t feel right. Anyway.

[lovemyromance]

(Not a troll ask please don't shoot :D - genuine question)

But I feel like it's really downplayed how much Gwynriels gaslight the fandom. I joined ACOTAR bc I saw Gwynriel fanart and thought they were cute. I Got all the way to ACOSF still hoping for Gwynriel and got a whole lot of NOTHING. And honestly I think Elain is as interesting as cardboard (sorry), but you'd have to be downright blind to ignore she had something going on with Azriel.

Then I saw on titktok about the bonus chapter, everyone going in saying omg thats where gwyn & az are mates! So I cracked it open, read it - and bruh - HE'S OUT HERE TRYING TO GO DOWN ON ELAIN??

How can you put THAT interaction & the conversation he had with Gwyn side by side and people are walking away from it saying Gwyn & Azriel are mates?

I'm so genuinely confused why someone would start that nonsense. The way I ate up Gwynriel art/fan theories it was like she was a major character there from the start and they'd already had 8 kids and a HEA.

Then I open the books and they barely even have a conversation??

It was honestly really annoying. felt like a scam, like one of those authors peddling their book on social media and then you realize its a wattpadd fic written by a 12 yr old not an actual book

If it helps - we're all confused. Nothing has been proven yet about any remaining couple so idk why the Elucien and Gwynriels are out here straight up inventing fiction and trying to pass it off as fact to anyone willing (and even unwilling) to listen.

This ship war could've just been - "Hey I like Elucien more!" Or "I love elriel!"

But instead of just accepting these are all opinions and not actually what is in the books - people decided to straight up gaslight and claim that Elucien are a couple and Gwynriel are mates.

If you cannot point to it on the page where such a thing it explicitly happened - then it is not canon.

Lucien & Elain? They're mates. That's canon.

What's also canon - is that not all mates are a good pairing and end up happy together.

Whats also canon - is that the cauldron was wrong.

It shouldn't be hard to reach accurate conclusions if people stopped treating their wants and headcanons as fact.

Like for gods sake - let's just look at fanart. I'm not saying that every piece of fanart is canon or even should be canon - but elriel has much more canon fanart. Thats literally a fact. They have multiple major moments together - on the page.

What is canon Elucien fanart? When she falls out the cauldron - naked and humiliated and he gives her his cloak? When they sit together over a tea service acting uncomfortable? When she avoids him every other time she sees him?

What is canon Gwynriel fanart? When he gives her boss a secondhand necklace to give to her or anyone else? When he - and cassian and everyone else - watch her cut a ribbon she sees as an enemy?

I've seen so many people open up these books expecting some grand romance between Elain & Lucien and end up disappointed because... she doesn't even want to be in the same room as him.

So many Gwynriels with similar stories to yours expecting some entertaining Gwynriel love story only to also end up disappointed because Gwyn doesn't even exist till the last book and she and Azriel barely interact.

They chose to believe in a nonexistent ship and are trying to compete with canon Elriel evidence. Like ok - tough shit? But you can't just start making shit up.

Until Elain accepts that bond - or even gives Lucien the time of day - they're not a couple. They are nowhere close to endgame if everything she has done and said has shown us she doesn't want him.

Until Azriel himself declares Gwyn is his mate or vice versa - they're not mates.

And yeah I'm gonna get a lot of backlash from the "foreshadowing and crumbs" crowd.

But let me ask you this:

There are some Elriels who think the mating bond between Lucien & Elain is fake. There is plenty of evidence and similar language used about their bond that resembles the fake Rowan & Lyria bond. Plenty of signs showing their bond isn't quite right.

do you think Elriels can then claim it's canon that the Elucien bond is fake?

"We have crumbs and foreshadowing and similar language used" too. But do you see us going around claiming it's canon?

No.

We are very clear about the distinction between canon and headcanons. About what's in the books, and what is just pure guesswork and theory.

"Sparky spark" and "elucien is endgame" are both theories until proven. They are NOT canon.

Wish they'd just learn the difference. They'd be a lot less unhappy fans.

[honeycreammilkshake]

Hey so idk if you know about this, but in Japan the politicians are going ham on trying to get BL and GL censored and illegal (???)

And with how gege likes bl, gl, and a lot of queer romances in general, do you think if he didnt play it safe, sukuita would have been canon?

i think i've read about the recent backlash on yaoi/yuri/etc in japan. and i'm really happy gege came out in support of queer series. i feel like it means a lot that they did that.

i also have a feeling that gege knew exactly what they were doing when they made sukuna and yuuji so shippable, but i'm also sure that jjk being a shounen would have prevented sukuita from being canon either way, only because then the series would technically be classified as yaoi or bl instead. and since this was marketed as shounen, it's highly unlikely that the publishers will allow it turn into bl (especially now that there's more censorship of yaoi).

however, gege still (so unsubtly) went out of their way to give us some of the most bl-looking scenes between yuuji and sukuna.

i mean just look at this!!! sukuna is like some kind of lovesick kitten, trailing after yuuji the whole time, yet insisting he's nothing more than an intimacy-hating stray who can't stand any kind of closeness or warmth. but if that's the case, why cling so much to yuuji, who (may i remind you) was the only guy to treat sukuna as human??? i don't know, kinda looks like you're a bit needy for that affection, sukuna.

then there's them constantly taunting each other like boyfriends that can't stop being competitive for one moment. (over the literal smallest of stuff, too. you know the infamous king of curses couldn't care less what kind of crayfish he got if he wasn't with yuuji... he constantly has to show us - so painfully unsubtle - just how much yuuji gets to him.)

but at least he gets to one-up yuuji during archery... though of course the brat isn't as impressed as he should be. (you can just sense the hurt pride dripping off of sukuna's words after yuuji said playing with him wasn't enticing.)

i mean, this whole chapter just made me feel like sukuna is like those tsundere guys in yaoi who can't tolerate having feelings for the cute protagonist everyone loves, so they have to be as edgy-looking and rude as possible whenever their crush comes around. (and then their crush is just 10x nicer to them because of it, which only makes them even more insecure and angry.)

sukuna, it looks like you're repressing lots...

... especially with whatever you got going on here—

(do you think gege drew this with a nosebleed?)

and just when you thought it couldn't get any gayer... these two are pretty much canonical soulmates whose fates have been chained together since before they even met.

(i think i'm noticing a trend with how gege draws them like this —back to back, two parts of a matched set, all but fused together.)

it reminds me of those yaoi manga where the protagonist becomes an unwilling (at first) bride to the monster guy everyone else hates but then slowly starts falling in love with him despite everything because oh maybe he isn't so evil after all.

and though the most recent chapter have really made it seem like yuuji has been pursuing sukuna in this way, let's not forget that sukuna was also the biggest flirt with yuuji before all the feelings hit him far too hard.

sukuna, you've known yuuji for only a few days and you're already feeling up his heart? isn't that usually not until the 3rd or 4th date?

so he does something like that but then has the nerve to act all coy with yuuji later on...

"it's annoying" he says but he's smiling. he looks almost excited. (yes, we know you like yuuji looking up at you without permission, sukuna, we get it already. you don't have to spell it out for us so obviously.)

and yuuji, honey, you know he's into that, right? stop falling for his thinly-veiled traps; you know he loves to bait you like this, you're just feeding his ego. (and also i can't forget to mention just how frustrated sukuna gets when yuuji does ignore him!)

oh and remember that fighting is how sukuita flirts, just in case you didn't pick up on that already.

they look so excited to be doing this right now — yuuji's unhinged grin, sukuna's "fight me" eyes... (mappa, it's a crime that you didn't animate this ;-;)

i'm crying, they could have done comedy together.

also... why are they grinning at each other like this?

sukuna's sitting on top of you, yuuji so why are you looking up at him with that completely unhinged look on your face? (i would say get a room but isn't that what innate domains more or less are?)

and again. if we didn't understand it perfectly well enough already, gege doesn't want us to forget that sukuna just loves it when yuuji fights back.

just look at his feral grin at the idea of yuuji trying to take him on... he loves messing with this brat.

and although sukuna and yuuji are never officially married, the fate they're forced to is almost exactly just that. in sickness and in health (mostly sickness) they are bound to each other, and only death does them part.

crazy how they got divorced TWO times...

.... yet they still can't escape whatever threads them together

even if it's not explicitly stated, it's still heavily implied that yuuji was the one to set sukuna on this different path, to remind him of whatever humanity he had left.

he was the one to connect with sukuna as the king of curses was dying.

to hold him gently and remind him that the monster he is was a matter of chance, that they could have shared that same curse if yuuji hadn't had his grandfather to provide him the fulfillment he needed while sukuna didn't have that in his own life.

to even propose that they could live together, even if he alone would accept such a thing.

it's like something straight out of a doomed romance story. i've never seen such romantic dialogue even in actual bl romance.

and if the heartbreakingly, over the top romantic dialogue wasn't enough, this is their official art, too:

like does any of this look straight to you? (also sukuna can't stop trying to get his hands all over yuuji, it's insane.)

i think it's pretty clear that sukuita is essentially canon already. and short of gege drawing them violently making out with each other (which, technically, that's what fighting is like for them) that crazy one-eyed cat made it nearly transparent that sukuita is actually a thing.

gege, you're THE shipper. to think they got away with inserting the most wonderfully messed up and fascinating yaoi story into a shounen series about a boy who literally sticks his enemy's fingers in his mouth is just crazy.

[doshiart]

🖤 weekly tag wednesday 🖤

hiiii, pocket friends <3 thanks for tagging me @jrooc @michellemisfit

Name and A03 handle: doshi, snifsnufkin

Current Location: clip studio paint

Favorite picrew (don't have one? you can skip this or do this one)?

there was my top 1 favs ♡ poicon maker ♡ by poika, but i found out that it's removed (deleted or private) 😭

i love a lots...

picrew // picrew // picrew // picrew // picrew // picrew // picrew

What's one thing you want in a picrew?

most likely none of you know that it will soon be a year since i released my own picrew and so after that, i can't be picky and upset anymore if i didn't find the right hairs for me hahaha

i won't say what I WANT, but i love having a choice of cute animals!

and speaking of! hehehe, i'll note every thing you'll write there!!! because now i'm doing a new picrew maker rn and i say nothing 🤭

Favourite thing you’ve created (or seen created) for the fandom?

i love this drawing sm

Why is it your favourite? something in the vibe, dark, tension, colors. maybe especially because it's a scene from the fic and i think it shows their tension quite well?

Did it come easily or was it hard to create? no, at the beginning i didn't get the perspective i wanted, i was interested in this angle with the mirror reflection and was upset when things went wrong because in my head it was perfect lol so i just redrew it

Last ao3 fic you commented on? Workhouse Rock and A Song Only You Can Hear by Deena @suzy-queued I've kinda settled into her page

Biggest WIP heartache you’ve ever experienced? 

idk, probably Your Question Has Been Received by Macy @celestialmickey but i like the way it stopped on their meet and kiss, and also i know that Macy wants to get back to it one day, so it's not exactly a heartache

Favorite trope or head cannon you like included in a fanfic?

slowburn and mutual pining for sure! i love the delving into Ian's bipolar, the emotions and the versions of his depressing episodes hit me all the time. the last time i cried over this was in The Menagerie by @crossmydna

Least favourite? a/b/o. when things happen too fast (i really love slowburn... give me a fic where they didn't kiss until the last chapters and i'll eat it *says hi to Deena and ULAK boys*)

Secret or surprising kink or trope? i have cymbals monkeys in my head not in a kink way of course,,,,

Describe how you feel after you’ve created something new? 

i can finally get a good sleep,,,, i'm dying to share it with you!

Top hype man you have that always helps you get across the finish line: all of you <3

It's been a bad day, you turn to the fandom and you _____?

i'm falling into fics

tagging @suzy-queued @lingy910y @burninface @mybrainismelted @creepkinginc

@celestialmickey @sickness-health-all-that-shit @crossmydna @heymrspatel @gallawitchxx

@energievie @blue-disco-lights @thepupperino @vintagelacerosette @gallapiech

@roryonic @spookygingerr @deathclassic @sgtmickeyslaughter @nymacron 🖤🖤🖤

[batsplat]

In fact Open is a mandatory book for vr46 boys :)

ohhhhhh thank you!! that is SUCH impressive archiving, I'm always in awe of how much material you've amassed. and very based of them, big W for italian motorcycle racing. it's a great book!! I love that they've read it! there's a lot of sports autobiographies that take care never to stray from the generic when telling their stories... but this one has so much character that even knowing other professional athletes have read it makes me want to quiz them about what they thought

seeing as I've been given an opportunity to proselytise about this book, here is how it opens:

it's a book about having a deeply complicated relationship with the thing you've been forced to dedicate your whole life to, about being in constant pain and asking yourself if it's really worth it, about never having been given the time and space to develop properly into your own person... about hating tennis and never quite being able to walk away from it. the misery of winning and the refusal to countenance losing. the burden of having the whole world narrativise your career and your life, denying you the chance to do so for yourself, of being constantly judged and being constantly found inadequate. about rivalries!! having your whole career ending up being inadvertently defined by One Guy who you just don't really understand and who you can never escape

what agassi does is put words to a lot of the underlying narratives and themes of sports that other athletes also come into contact with in one way or another but are far less capable of articulating. you'll be hard-pressed to find another book that captures the humanity of sports so well, its twisted appeal and why it's so compelling

like,, idk there's so much going on in that book that when I find out another athlete has read it, I do want to basically go through it with them chapter by chapter (obviously I have a full set of notes and a highlighting system with one colour dedicated just to the sampras rivalry, so I'm well prepared for this task). it's cool that they've read it! good healthy interest in sports narrativisation on their part. in this post I brought up one of my favourite excerpts from the book when discussing the vale/casey rivalry -

- and idk, this kind of thing is just so fun and interesting you kinda want to go around and get everyone's thoughts on it. also obviously on a personal level,, enjoy the motogp guys, adore agassi and that whole era of tennis, so it's a fun crossover for me specifically. yay

btw, a new interview with agassi was published in the nyt a few days ago that I'd defo recommend to anyone with even just a passing interest in the sport (once you scroll past the bits about the worst event in tennis). starts with the line “as far apart as you are on a tennis court, you can actually feel the other one very intimately". even when he's delving more into the nuts and bolts of the sport, he just kinda gets how to explain it in a way that taps into the fundamental narrative appeal of what you're watching

oh yeah that's the good stuff

[veryinactiveartist]

Moodboard & Fic Pitch

Pre TLOU!Joel Miller × f!Reader

The Last Of Us

Moodboard made by me

Sweetness & Lighting: Series Synopsis

It's 1993 in central Texas, and things are as well as they could be for a single father, Joel Miller. That's if you don't include his struggling financial situation and the grueling effects of his new construction job. But now it's summer, Sarah won't be occupied in a classroom setting for some time, leaving him without proper care to watch Sarah while he works.

With his new dilemma, Joel couldn't help but vent to his little brother, Tommy, who for once offered a solution; with no other choice, he figured it was worth a shot. Hire a babysitter, but she so happens to be one of Tommy's friends who's a recent graduate. Joel worried about the cost of hiring, but Tommy insisted she was a generous spirit who would gladly help with little cost. Once she knew his situation, Tommy was right. He has never been so thankful to welcome a stranger into his home, even if he still has reservations.

Little did he know, Tommy's friend had already become quite smitten with Joel the moment she first laid eyes on him but planned to keep it to herself. She's only here to do her job and it's not like Joel would like her back. But he did. It took a bit of time but once he realized it, he fell hard. He just knew he couldn't let you go once the summer was over. Why not keep her employed longer. He could admit his feelings at some point. Right?

Tags/Warnings: Idk if I can list this as a slow burn given this probably won't be more than 20 chapters. Eventual smut, masturbation >:3 but mainly plot. Minor Social commentary. Semi-frequent 80's pop culture references (mainly music). Mild cursing. Rom-Com adjacent fic(I will try). Virgin reader (Joel will be ready😏). Single dad Joel. Scenes that depict bullying. (for both the reader and Sarah). Use of original characters. The reader is 21. Joel is 25/turns 26. Sarah is roughly around 6. Lowkey Devious Sarah/Sarah shenanigans(u know how kids are). Texas geography references. Possible holiday plotlines (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year) fic timeline spans over 7 months.

Author Notes & Rambles

Lord, I have so many fic ideas that I must write 😤. I actually shared this idea with a mutual while back, so this one is a bit more personal. This will probably be the first series I write when we get to 2025. As far as I know, this won't be anything too crazy, the outline I'm working on right now ranges from 14 - 20 chapters. I'm trying to give myself some room to stay within that frame I've given myself but we'll see what happens.

As of now, I don't wanna share too much about what I have planned,, but I also wanna share everything jdjkdjs. This will be a "slow burn" in a sense, but it'll be a short series, so idk if it fits here but oh well. However, the smutting won't happen later on in the fic as I will be focusing on Joel and the reader actually becoming friends because they deserve it

I already started making a playlist for this as inspo because I can't without listening to music tbh so that's been really fun. So I can't wait for when that comes out and it will be just music from that period and songs referenced in the fic, So all 1993 and going back a bit further to give the reader insert a bit of range. There'll be some mild pop culture references like movies but mostly music, and I will try not to be excessive as I know that can be annoying in movies these days. Bubblebee

I'd like to thank all the pictures of mid-20s Pedro Pascal before I go. I wouldn't have been here without him. 😭😭😭

[deceptive-daydreams]

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 | Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 | Ch. 13 | Ch. 14 |

Smoke Signals

Chapter Six - Sugar

W/C: 4.5K

Eddie x Fem reader - Grumpy!Bartender!Eddie x Shy!Reader

A crybaby and the town grump walk into a bar...

A/N: idk why but this chapter was giving me so much trouble and i've been really doubting my writing and second guessing. It's more of a filler chapter but still important to the story. I'm super excited for what's to come tho!!

Masterlist

Prev | Next

Three Weeks Later

“Bambi, go home already.  Your shift ended–”  Eddie pauses to check his watch.  “-jesus, like an hour ago.  Why are you still here?” 

The floors were pristine, mopped to perfection, chairs stacked on top of the tables, and rags started in the washer.  Every glass found home on their corresponding shelves, all dried and perfectly polished for the following shift, not one imperfection among the twinkling surfaces.  The place was spotless and there you were, standing on top of the bar in order to reach the top of the light fixtures which, judging by the amount of dust on them, went neglected for some time now.  Your apron was long discarded on one of the barstools and sweat dripped from your brow, the epitome of hard work if he’d ever seen it.  The Bourbon hadn’t been this clean in years.

“I’m almost done, I swear.”  You reply quietly, clearly far more engaged in your cleaning frenzy than any conversation he was trying to coax you into.

“No, you’re done.”  Eddie marches around the bar, revealing himself just in your peripheral.  “Get outta here.”  There wasn’t an ounce of venom behind his words, however, he was without a doubt becoming increasingly annoyed.

You chance a glance down at him only to find his standard scowl etched onto his face.  Except, it wasn’t as mean spirited as you were used to and it hadn’t been for quite some time.  It was cute; the way his lip would slightly jut out and how his smile lines were so prominent, eyes drooping in irritation.  Endearing irritation that you grew accustomed to.

“I will.”  You state, feather duster swiping through a satisfying amount of dust.  “When I finish.”

“No, get down.”

Your first instinct is to obey without question.  Listen to authority.  But in the previous weeks, you’d found it easier to let loose.  Sure, Eddie was always somewhat crabby but it never intimidated you and whenever he found himself particularly pissed off, he’d banish himself to the back office which aided in releasing any tension you’d built up throughout the week.  So, it wasn’t that difficult to at least attempt some friendly banter.  Especially if you could get him to crack a smile.  It was a win in your books when he tried so hard to withhold it from you or even better, turned around completely to shield his broken composure from you.

“Don’t you have–what did you call it– ‘a shit ton of paperwork’ to do?”  You joke. 

“Ha.  Ha.  I’m serious, get down.”  He mocks, glaring up at you, a stupid little tug pulling at the corners of his mouth.  Barely noticeable, but you take note of it.

“‘M not gonna fall, if that’s what you're worried about.”  You mumble, shaking your head.

“Judging by how many times you nearly eat shit throughout the week, I’m pretty worried.”  

Pretty worried.   

Saliva caught in the back of your throat, you try to play it off like dust that had gotten trapped in your airways, clearing your throat.  Only, your body had just reacted far too quickly to his words, resulting in the failure of a simple bodily function.

“I do not…”  You crouch down, poking the end of the feather duster at his chest.  “...fall that often.”  You pout.

“Yeah?”  A tiny smile pulls at his lips.  There it is.  “That’s why I said ‘nearly’.”

If you could bottle up the look he was giving you, you would selfishly keep it all for yourself to stare at on bad days.  Such mischief and amusement lingered in his gaze.  Sparks lighting up the dark and cloudy haze he usually exhibited.  Like fireworks against a colorless sky, beautiful hues popping left and right but after all, everything is always temporary.

“I don’t ‘nearly’ fall that often either.”  You whine.

“Just get off my bar and go home.”  Eddie demands, voice warm and buttery despite his intent to kick you out.  

Staring at him expectantly, he relays the same expression to you with raised brows.  In response, you cock your head to the side, luring the word out of him.  He doesn’t quite catch on, eyes narrowing while you wait.  A smirk appears on your lips as you remain perched on top of the bar, feather duster forgotten next to you.  His eyes grow a few sizes as if to urge you to speak up.  And then he gets it.

“Please.”  It drips from his tongue like warm caramel.

His eyes relax, creases between his brows ceasing and lids becoming heavy.  Another look you would mentally take a snapshot of just to hang it on the walls of your cluttered brain.  You’d be sure to clear a spot just for it.  

“Gladly.”  You offer the same smooth tone, hopping off the bar only to lose your balance along the way.

And before you can face plant into the hard wood planks, two large hands stabilize you, holding your waist firmly until he is sure you aren't going to collapse, but not yet letting go.  If you were to set aside your cowardly tendencies, you would look up and feel his breath against your face.  And you’re sure you could probably count the faint freckles on his nose that you’d only seen briefly when almost colliding into him during a rush.  You only remain glued to the floor, both your eyes and feet.  

“Careful, Bambi.”  He scolds softly. 

“‘M sorry.”  You murmur.

“No need to be sorry.”  You timidly glance up at him.  “Just–just be more careful.”  He pleads.

You were good and ready for him to yell at you, fully prepared to recoil as he raises his voice but it never comes.  And it hadn’t since that one time with the plates but you were like a skittish animal and long before you had even known him, any conflict had you in a corner every time, eyes full of tears and lip trembling.  You could only hope you didn’t look as pathetic right now.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.”  He begins to soothe, a certain nervousness in his voice.  Obviously you did look just as pathetic if not more.

His hands had left your waist to graze over your shoulders hesitantly, concern evident in his tone while he consoled you.  He shouldn’t have to console you for fuck’s sake.  Why were you on the verge of tears over your clumsiness?

“Sorry, sorry.  ‘M fine, I swear.”  You attempt to suck back the tears, head tilted toward the ceiling, lip tucked in between your teeth anxiously.  “J-just go do your paperwork.  I’ll be gone in a minute.”  

Just when you think–no hope that he walks away, those large hands are gently grabbing at your wrists as you use your fingers to push the tears back into the corners of your eyes.  A soft touch that for some reason, only made you want to cry more.  

“Stop apologizing.”  Eddie says, attempting to catch your gaze, finding it difficult as you begin to stare at the floor, hiding huge watery globs under your eyelashes.

“Just–let me get my things–”  You begin to voice shakily, vision blurred with tears that you resented.

“Sit down.”  He demands calmly, concern carved into his features from what you can make out through blurred vision.

“No, no, it’s okay–”

“Right here, sit.”  

Eddie directs you to a barstool, the distorted world around you becoming progressively more overwhelming by the second.  And all because you almost fell in front of your boss and he had to catch you.  It wasn’t your intention, appearing as the stupid girl who happened to be a gigantic cry baby, emotions too sensitive to the horrors of the real world.  Though, that was the reality, wasn’t it?

“Sorry.”  You whisper, a few rogue tears escaping after the good fight you put up.

At this, he releases a heavy sigh.  You can’t help but feel childish and small, your confidence devastatingly lower than before as you try to regulate your shaky breathing and wobbly lip.  You just needed a minute, one minute to ride out the wave of anxiety.  Eddie lets your umpteenth apology slide, slowly slipping into the stool next to you.

“I’m–uh–I’m gonna go home.”  Your voice is an octave too high for his liking.

“Not like this you’re not.”

You remain on the stool, embarrassed, your cheeks feeling hot with stained tears.  This was hell if anyone ever asked you.  Slowly but surely revealing just how big of a wimp you were.  Sure, you’d shed a few tears when he screamed at you over the plates but he hadn’t even done anything this time.  You reacted purely on instinct and it was humbling.

“Let’s uh, let’s try this…”  Eddie starts, running a ringed hand through his bangs.  He slides a napkin in front of you before reaching for your apron on the back of his stool, stealing a pen and setting it on the napkin.  “W-write down, uh, write down your feelings?”  He says, so unsure even he couldn’t take himself seriously.

With a sniffle, you try to hide your confusion as you stare at the bland brown napkin.  Eddie groans and for a moment you think it’s because you’re not playing along but quickly dismisses the thought when he reaches for another napkin and steals a second pen from your apron.

“Um, it sounds–it sounds stupid.  It kinda is stupid.  But, um, you just write what you’re feeling?  A-and it’s supposed to…shit I dunno.  It’s supposed to help clear your head I guess?”  He explains.

You wait for him to laugh, wait for him to mock your tear stained face and absolute lack of emotional control.  You wait for the ‘why are you crying’ in the most condescending tone and the lecture as to why you had no reason to cry.  It never comes.  Instead, as you sneak a glimpse at him from the corner of your teary eye, and he starts writing. 

“So, right now, um…”  He clears his throat.  “Right now I’m feeling, uh, concerned?” 

You can tell he’s having trouble coming up with words and that this was difficult for him…feelings were difficult for him.  Something you could heavily relate to.

“Or, uh, you c-can just write…whatever…”  He trails off, clicking the pen against the counter repeatedly. 

Rather than answering, you clumsily pick up the blue pen, dropping it once with a trembling hand before fully grasping it.  Then you begin writing as he instructed.  If he made fun of you for what you were writing down, so be it.  You’d already embarrassed yourself enough.

You expected him to chime in by now, scoffing at what you had written down.  But when you glanced over, he was doodling on his napkin, something that appeared to be a dragon.  Minding his own business.  Awkwardly, you set the pen back on the counter, causing him to peek over at you.

“It helped.”  You mumble.  “A little.”

“Good.”  He replies, tapping his pen against the counter.  “So, uh my therapist usually has me share once I write everything down–or at least share the main points.  You don’t–you don’t have to but that’s just…that’s what we do.”  

Eddie expects you to crumple up the napkin and throw it out.  Then you would leave and think to yourself how ridiculous he is.  He didn’t know how to help people–hell, he didn’t even know how to help himself most of the time.  What he doesn’t expect is for you to shyly slide the napkin in front of him.  Averting his eyes, he’s unsure if he actually has permission to read but when you nod your head ever so slightly, he still has trouble looking down at what you had scribbled out.  It felt like he was peeking into your brain, something he felt he wasn’t worthy of.

Humiliated

Stupid

Exhausted

Anxious

Small

Burden

Crybaby

Lonely

So many words for such a small increment of time that you had been scrawling away on that napkin.  So many words that held such heaviness.

“Wow.”  Is all that he says upon his first glance over.

Anxiously, you suck in a breath, attempting to snatch the napkin back in regret only to fail as Eddie slides it out of your reach.  

“It’s stupid, I-I’m gonna go…”  You begin, hopping off of your stool.

“It’s not stupid–”

Then you were gone, a gust of wind practically slapping him in the face.  He couldn’t find it in himself to complain, only troubled by the inner workings of your mind.  It was all too familiar and he was beginning to feel as if he wasn’t the only one cursed with a diseased mind.  Selfishly, he found comfort in that.  

–

There’s only one thing worse than a shitty car.  Two shitty cars.  Specifically a shitty car and a shitty truck.  Both unreliable, both sputtering every time Eddie put the key in the ignition.  Grandpa Roy’s ‘Ol Reliable four-door sedan wasn’t living up to its name and was on the decline by the looks of it.  It had been for some time, though he was alway able to find a temporary fix and keep it running.  Today he had no such luck.

The truck, Sugar, was arguably in much better shape.  She was well-loved, red paint chipping after years of use and a cracked rear window.  The engine had its moments but she was still better off than ‘Ol Reliable.  

“C’mon, Sugar.  Don’t be like that.”  Eddie mutters, turning the key in the ignition a few times more, only to be met with failure.  “Fuck.”  He whispers, hopping out from the driver’s side to prop the hood open, large hands splayed out along the sides as he prepares for battle.

With a sigh, he ties his hair back and discards his leather jacket on the ground in exasperation, even going as far as to give it a small kick away from his work space.  A wooden work bench was strategically placed on the porch under the awning, leaving no issue for when winter came around so that he had easy access to his tools even in the most dreadful of snows.  Snow hadn’t kissed the ground quite yet but the further into October it got, the more crisp the air became, a subtle announcement for what was to come.

A deep, resentful groan leaves Eddie’s chest as he trudged up the steps to the porch, lips all perfectly pouted while he reluctantly pulls each of his large rings off only to drop them in a cup he’d taken from a diner years ago when he made the move to Knife’s Edge.  An already greased up rag was snatched from the worktop and tucked snugly into his back pocket.

One, two, three.  One, two, three.  One, two, three.

He counts to himself under his breath as he collects the necessary tools.  It wasn’t like he had to be at the bar yet, though he would’ve liked to stop by the store to stock up on cigarettes and see if he could find any of those cocktail cherries on sale.  He wanted to save where he could.  Every cent mattered.  Then he was more than likely going to sulk in self pity while trying to figure out how to summon money from the sky.  Maybe indulge in a beer in his office.  He couldn’t afford to comp beers for himself like that but he could dream.  After that maybe he’d have a good cry before the chaos ensued again.  

Those plans went out the window when Sugar decided to test his patience.  Perhaps he should be grateful to his unfaithful truck for attempting to lure him out of the isolation he planned to encase himself in.  It was one thing to isolate yourself at home, it was another to trap yourself at your place of work hours before it actually opened and beat yourself up over every little thing and question where it all went wrong.  

“Dammit, dammit, dammit.”  He reiterates to himself, tossing a wrench in his hand as he makes his way back to Sugar.  “Go easy on me.”  He begs.

The pumpkins you had been angling perfectly on your porch were suddenly so miserably uninteresting; how could they not be when such an erotic site was placed right in front of your prying eyes?  Regretfully, your wet dream came to life.  Except, you played no part in it and Eddie paid no mind to you.  Not that he ever would.  And even if he did, you’d made it clear that you were a nutcase.  

You still couldn’t tear your eyes away from the way his arms flexed under his short sleeves and how he grunted while tugging at something under the hood of his truck.  Drool could have been dripping from your chin and you wouldn’t notice, too hypnotized by his every movement.  He had opted to wear some black converse today rather than his standard black combat boots.  It was cute, you couldn’t lie, the small change made you giddy.  And the way his shirt was riding up as he stretched himself over the engine felt like a tease.  A peek at what you had once gotten a glance of while wasted but didn’t get to fully appreciate as your sober self.  

God, you could recall the blurry image of him momentarily pulling his puke stained shirt off cautiously, revealing his lean figure.  It was practically pixelated in your mind.  As you reminisce on what your drunk self had taken for granted, reality feels just as distorted when Eddie’s eyes land on yours.  Huge doe eyes, almost cartoon-like catching your attention as if a moth to a flame.  You want to look away, you beg of yourself to look away but your inner voice is muffled; almost as though you were under an enchantment.

And like a siren call, his voice reaches you.  You fear that you may be all too willing to drown just to hear it again.

“Will you hold this for me?”  He shouts, almost desperately.  Almost.

Your eyes widen, hands still resting atop a perfectly orange pumpkin while you sit pretty on your porch step.  An Autumn dream.  Suddenly, Eddie wishes he would’ve kept to himself rather than requesting your assistance.  Had he thought it through, he would’ve opted to magically grow another hand.  Instead, he stands with ruddy cheeks and syrupy eyes, glazed with adoration that he was frantically attempting to wipe from his vision, shoving the feelings that were oozing out of him back into his stupid sweaty skin.

“Um…”  You reply in surprise, already crossing the border between properties, a shy stutter to your walk.  “Well I don’t really know how to…”  You trail off, suspecting that he could figure out the rest of your thoughts on his own.

Oh, how he regrets calling you over.  His clammy hand clutches the wrench, providing no aid in his attempt to calm his nerves.  

“You don’t…you don’t have to, uh…”  He appears as if he’s battling his own thoughts, gaze casted toward the ground as his eyes dart left and right.  “Can you just hold this?”  He finally gets out, pointing to a part of the engine.  “Sugar won’t start and I swear I can have her running again but it’d be a hell lot easier if you could just hold this real quick.”

“Sugar?”

“Sugar.”  He confirms.  “Oh!”  Realization hits him.  “Yeah, Sugar.  My truck.”  

“Okay…”  You whisper, unsure.

You could almost forget the mortifying incident from the early hours of 3:00 AM as you took in his wet chocolate coated eyes, the light Fall breeze seeming to affect him.  His lashes clumped together like art and his nose was tinted the perfect shade of rose, those faint freckles dotted along the bridge like little constellations.

“Just, right here.”  He instructs, turning his attention back to Sugar.  

Following his lead, you adjust your hand where it's needed, an uncomfortable, greasy residue coating your fingers as he works.  From this angle, the afternoon sun casts a golden glow over his profile, flyaway curls highlighted in the light like a halo and nose endearingly round at the tip with lips tucked into his teeth as he concentrates.  And then, his tongue pokes out, an adoring sight that only makes you yearn to reach out and graze your fingertips over the stubble threatening to emerge from his cheek.

“Thought you’d name it something more…tough.”  

Your meek voice earns a glance over his shoulder, brows furrowed in that cute way that everyone always recognized as harsh and cold-hearted.

“What?”  The way his eyes crinkle at the corners paired with his confused expression only give you more reason to let your stare linger a little bit longer, a bold move on your part.

“Um, Sugar–”

“Oh, Sugar.”  

Simultaneously, you refer to his truck, interrupting each other while his elbow grazes your arm as he tightens a bolt.

“Uh, well…she’s, uh, the only girl in my life.”  He jokes, quietly chuckling.  “And, she’s not exactly brand new so I’ve gotta treat ‘er nice.”

“And…she can hear you?”  You question, attempting to hide your oncoming grin.

This time, he only glares at you over his shoulder.  There’s a comfort in the way his eyes seem to swallow you whole.  

“Okay, okay, ha, ha.  I know, she’s a truck–”

“And you keep calling it a ‘she’.”

Eddie pulls back, stepping away from the engine, prompting you to do the same as you stare up at him, a smidge afraid that you might have actually offended him.  A few rebellious curls frame his face, creating the vision of a princely man who in reality, was nothing of the sort.  Not in the sense that he wasn’t gentlemanly, only in the sense that he didn’t care what others thought.

“What?  You never heard of people calling their car a ‘she’ before?”  He asks, offense barely evident in his tone.  More than anything, he appears to be amused by your observation.

“No, I have.  Just didn’t think you seemed like one of them.”  You remark.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Again his eyebrows crinkle in the cutest fashion, lip curling ever so slightly as he brings a hand to his hip.  You begin to think that no one has ever looked so good covered in grease and you’d never been attracted to the smell of oil but you could make an exception if it meant you’d get to see his features this close.  Eddie was a pretty guy.  And the more his colors showed, the more entranced you became.

“I dunno, nevermind.”  You attempt to divert the conversation.

“No, no, you have to tell me.  Please enlighten me.”  He crosses his arms, a smug smirk pulling at his lips.  

“No, forget it!.”  You giggle.

Eddie can feel his shoulders relaxing at the sound.  Can feel his tension release even if just the slightest.  His eyes relax, a lazy gaze focused on you.  Everything suddenly feels so…calm.  As if his life wasn’t falling apart.  You were like some kind of drug that made him forget how shitty things were and if it only lasted a few seconds at a time, he would gladly invest in as much as he could until he overdosed.  Which to be fair, he didn’t think was possible.  

“No, what do you mean?  Say it with your chest, I dare you.”  He nods at you, eyes showcasing that same spark you’d notice every now and then.  The spark only seemed to get bigger and bigger.  One day you’d hoped to see a fire ignite, a full explosion of his personality.

Biting your lip, you look at him sheepishly, doubting yourself.  But something about his gaze eggs you on.

“You just…you’re all…big and bad.”  You mumble, eyes finding themselves glued to the ground.

“Big and bad?”  Eddie repeats.

It’s enough to have you backtracking, pathetically trying to erase your words.  Your mouth opens and closes repeatedly, like a goldfish.

“See, it was stupid!  I was being stupid.  Just forget–”

“Why do you keep doing that?”  He asks, genuine curiosity blended in his tone along with a dash of concern.

“Doing what?”

Your puzzled expression only makes his chest ache.  Leaves crunch under your feet as you fidget, visually nervous.  He hates that he always ends up making you uncomfortable, never able to get a grip though maybe he can blame his highschool-self.  He never talked to girls and maybe if he had, he’d be having better luck right now.  Who’s he kidding, maybe if he just wasn’t even himself he’d be making a lot more progress.

“Calling yourself stupid.”  He mentions quietly.

No one has ever confronted your self-deprecating commentary, only ever remained silent as if to agree with you or they’d simply shift the topic.  Never has someone questioned your reasoning.    

“Oh…well I uh, I didn’t think I did it that often.”  You begin to stutter, clearly taken back.  He wishes he could rewind back to when you were bantering back and forth about his truck.  He probably would’ve found another way to fuck up the conversation, even if he could go back and give himself another chance.  

“But if this is because last night I wrote–”  You start again, only for him to keep running his big mouth.

“A bunch of bullshit?”  He states.  Like it's a fact.

Your wide eyes aren’t a good sign.

“What?”

“Yeah.  Bullshit.”  He sounds so sure of himself.

“Oh.”  

You physically seem as if you're deflating, your body closing in on itself, shoulders slumping while you take a step back.  It was the opposite of what he wanted.  But he could always count on himself to ruin a good thing.

“No, no!  I didn’t mean it like–I didn’t mean–fuckin’ christ.”  Eddie runs his clean hand down his face.  “I didn’t mean it was bullshit.  I meant that…I guess I meant that you shouldn’t feel like that?”

It’s quiet.  Eddie knows he deserves a slap across the face, if anything.  But you just continue staring at the ground, lost in thought.  Moments pass and he’s starting to feel he should dismiss himself and hide forever.  Forget fixing Sugar and just become a hermit.

“Why?”  You whisper.

He doesn’t offer an answer, only shrugs slowly.  He just kept putting nails in his own coffin.

“Don’t you…don’t you think I’m those things?  Like…like there’s something wrong with me?”

Eddie steps closer, not enough to push your boundaries but still enough for you to notice.  He tugs his lip in between his teeth, pulling at it anxiously while he thinks.  And with his arms still crossed, one finger taps at his elbow in threes.  You follow the action.

One, two, three.  One, two, three.  One, two, three.

“No.”  He says simply, to which your head snaps up.

Cola colored irises are awaiting you, welcoming you in a way.  A softer expression falls over his face, his cherub-like features becoming enhanced.

“I don’t think you’re those things.”  Eddie says confidently.  “I think you’re just right.”

~end~

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tags - @gravedigginbbydoll @ohauggieo @spicysix @lunatictardis @ali-r3n @batkin028 @mrsjellymunson @witchwolflea @emma77645 @emxxblog @eddiesxangel @angietherose @lottie-90 @sheneedsrocknroll92 @pullingattheroots @avalon-wolf @vintagehellfire @cryingglightningg @foreveranexpatsposts @winchester-angel @mmunson86 @witchwolflea @kurdtbean @micheledawn1975 @tlclick73 @erinekc @hazydespair @whenshelanded @corrodedcoffincumslut @ms1oftheboys @lma1986 @uglypastels

[waitineedaname]

Um. do you think about how mr & mrs kageyama are undoubtedly on the Good-er side of the Parents scale but also are probably viewed differently by ritsu and shigeo. like i think about how ritsu probably had to be the easy one (the one that doesn't need you to care about them and comfort them) since shigeo has probably come home beaten up and bloodied enough times for the both of them?? also i feel like they might've said something like "well shigeo you don't HAVE to do [thing that will make any parent happy/proud] right ritsu :)" at some point. like idkkk i feel like that is definitely part of why ritsu feels so pressured to be twice as good at whatever he does (to make up for whatever mob lacks) but also if anyone said that to me i'd kill myself on the spot because it puts Zero trust in mob's abilities? like i feel it doesn't give him a chance to try because well ritsu will do it anyways why do i need to :/ (but then body improvement club happened. W)

anyways i just thing his parents (unintentionally) put sooo much pressure on ritsu. like the bar for being Good is drastically different for ritsu and shigeo*. and pre-claw ritsu thought that half of this pressure would probably disappear if mob did what he was ""supposed"" to do as the Older Sibling which might be one of the many many reasons ritsu thought he hated him?

*marathon arc is the first instance that comes to mind cuz...idk..before it happens they're like Hm. we should go wait in the middway of the path for shigeo (who waited for ritsu at the finish line?🤨). and after it they're like hehe ritsu got 9th place and shigeo did his best :) (this just sounds. damn. the bar's that low/high?). and both of these are normal! considering how shigeo and ritsu are! but i also feel like they're only normal because that's what you'd expect from shigeo and ritsu respectively which kind of. fucked up my worldview.

okayyy this got long. Sowwy. 😆

the kageyama parents make me NUTS when I think about them too hard bc they're probably the best parents in the series and definitely the most normal, but with being normal comes very normal flaws and parenting fuck ups, like comparing their sons. like comparing kids against each other is a very normal and common thing for parents to do, but it fucking sucks, and it's only made worse with the specific baggage the brother have

they absolutely put so much pressure on ritsu, which is one of the components of him snapping in the cleanup arc. he's like,, the ideal that they compare shigeo too, like they're always like "shigeo, why don't you get better grades, like ritsu. shigeo, why don't you stop doing weird things, like ritsu." I feel like the best example of this is these two pages from the cleanup arc (chapter 23, if you're curious)

literally every day I think about "ritsu is way smarter than I am. he doesn't do anything weird" [panel of ritsu looking so fucking haunted]

I'm going to put the rest of this under a read more because I had a Lot To Say

anyway, this sets up the expectations for the two of them. shigeo is the one who struggles at school, who messes up, whose psychic powers do weird things. ritsu is the star student, the perfect son, the Normal One. neither of these expectations are fair to them at all, especially since shigeo works really fucking hard when he sets his mind to something, and ritsu has to wear the mask of normalcy and perfection even if it doesn't feel right. it puts too much pressure on ritsu and sets mob up with the expectations of failure! goddammit!!

I don't necessarily blame the kageyama parents, I mean like I said, this is a very normal thing for parents to do, especially with kids so close in age. I've been compared to my stepsister, I've seen this happen to friends who are close in age to their siblings. it sucks ass, but it's a very normal flaw for a family to have. but also, even though the series really emphasizes that psychic powers are just a normal thing, I don't think the kageyama parents were equipped to deal with the specific issues their kids have bc of psychic powers. I can't help but wonder how much they know about that part of their sons' lives... the more I think about it, the more I think that ritsu definitely didn't tell them the truth about the first ???% incident, he definitely lied to protect his brother because I feel like they would treat shigeo differently if they knew he almost killed his brother and several teenagers at age ten. and it's unclear how much, if anything, they know about the major arcs of the show. do they know ritsu was kidnapped? do they know shigeo was trapped in a mental hellscape for six months? I'm pretty sure ritsu actively hid the events of the world domination arc from them. we see their mom watching the news report in the confession arc -- did she see her son on the screen?

idk, I just get the impression that the brothers don't really let their parents into that part of their lives, which means they still get treated normally but also means their parents don't really understand them. I think that's part of why reigen was so important to mob's development as a kid, because he gave him a person he could go to about things he couldn't talk about with his parents. it also means ritsu was especially isolated because he didn't have that kind of person, at least not until he and shou became friends

also what you said about ritsu being the "easy one", that fits directly into the way I think about both of the kageyama brothers being autistic. I think mob was much more visibly autistic, probably needed more support, and because ritsu didn't need the same support, everyone assumed ritsu must be allistic. I think he knew he was the "easy one" between the two of them and I think that got wrapped up in him masking a LOT to make things easier on his parents so they could focus on shigeo. this kid is so damn undiagnosed that I don't think he even realizes he might also be autistic until his teenage years at least

something something psychic powers as a metaphor for autism something something ritsu desperately trying to seem normal because he doesn't have powers, but also desperately wanting to get powers and stop having to act normal. this kid is so fucking sick of masking.

[shepherds-of-haven]

Sorry if this has already been asked before, but have you ever thought about writing a sequel to SoH? I know you said it would be a stand-alone book, but I think a sequel where we explore different continents would be extremely cool. I just love these character so much and idk if I’m ready to say goodbye. I know we still have a bit left but still…

Hi there, this message has been sitting in a long queue of messages I've fallen behind on answering for a while now, but I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send it! It ended up being extremely thought-provoking for me, and you may have single-handedly made me reconsider my stance on a Shepherds sequel! XD

I always planned on this entry being a standalone game, though I was toying with the idea of eventually writing a sequel that follows a separate cast of characters (aka different protagonist and companions, though with room for potential cameos with the old characters). Pretty much like how Dragon Age does it! I won't go into the potential plot details now, but I was thinking it might take place sometime between 10-15 years in the future, and it would follow "a new generation" of Shepherds in a different locale. I've sort of hazily cobbled together ideas for the story/main premise, but companions outside of the main protagonist have eluded me at the moment--I really need to focus on this game, its DLC, and my next book first, so I haven't given it too much thought!

However, your comment has unearthed some feelings I've been having about a potential sequel, too! It's hard for me to feel like I'd be ready to say goodbye to the cast, as well... It's so easy for me to write them because they've been in my head for so many years, and starting an adventure in the world of Blest with different and new characters admittedly feels a bit strange. It's like having to hang back a grade while all of your friends graduate high school and then looking around at the incoming freshman class like "welp, I guess you guys are my friends now! 😒" lol. I'm torn on the issue: I don't want to not challenge myself or refuse to move out of my comfort zone as a writer--in short, I don't want to be the kind of writer who recycles the same characters and material because doing something new is daunting to me, and I don't want you all to feel like I'm making endless sequels/trying to recapture old magic and should just move on to something new, either--but I do love my cast and I'm not sure yet if I should definitively say, "No, their chapter is done with this game and it's on to the next!", because I can see so many adventures happening to them even after this story is over!

The problem lies with endings--there are so many different endings planned for this game that I hesitate in treating any of them as the true or canonical one, but otherwise trying to account for all of them in a sequel feels quite impossible to accomplish when I wasn't planning on a continuation--along with other logistical concerns that I can't get into at the moment. Like, what if you end the game with all of the Shepherds except Halek dead? What if your friend ends the game with all of them alive, but the MC is dead? This game alone is already 1 million words, but a direct sequel would probably wrack up hundreds of thousands of variations based on all of these choices in its first chapter alone! 🤔

That's why I figure DLC is the happy medium here: you can expand on or create new content and adventures for the characters, but slot them into the timeline wherever you wish, like in between Chapter 7 and 8, etc. And episodic adventures might keep things small and streamlined enough that I can update them more consistently, rather than hacking away at one giant sequel game!

Aaaaaanyway... All this is to say: I have a lot to think about! Absolutely nothing has been decided yet (not even close), but these are just some of the things I've had rattling around in my head. Thank you again for your sweet and honest words: I'm glad you're so fond of these characters and would miss them. I would, too! But whatever ends up happening, I know this game won't be the last time we see them. :)

Thanks again!

[bubblybloob]

So, which run from Scarlet Hollow would you say has been your favorite until now? Any favorite trait/trait combo?

Favorite combo was the first I took of course, Mystical and Talk to Animals! You get to be so weird and everyone is so put off by your antics!

Some long ass rambling and spoilers below!

Individually, TTA can feel a little useless at some points, it’s never a passive ability so you only get use out of it when there’s animals around. It especially feels lacking in chapter 2, where there are two instance of running into wild animals (the bird and the bats) that feel weird since you don’t get to pause and chat with them and they don’t say anything noteworthy about ditchlings, the mines, the town, etc.

I get why it can feel like that, you don’t want players to feel they made a mistake choosing talk with animals by not having animals appear throughout a chapter, but you also don’t want player’s who didn’t choose it feel like they’re always missing out on important stuff by having too many animals.

I really think they should let more passive thoughts with TTA occur. The only instance I can recall of it appearing as a thought is if you’ve had Sybil’s tea and it’s like “she won’t judge you for your quirk :), go talk to her”. It caught me so off guard when I first saw it and Mystical pointing out that my thoughts were all weird made me almost stand up like “WHAT”. But even though it doesn’t sound like TTA would have passive moments where it’s not directly in action, I think it should, maybe our character is privy to random facts woodland critters have told us, or we’re more in tune with nature or something. Idk, it’s not useless and it’s incredibly hard to compare it to the other traits cause it essentially makes previously non-characters like Dustin or the Goat into characters, that’s something no others trait does.

Now for my more positive thoughts on TTA, damn is proving you can actually understand animals at the library so satisfying, and it stays satisfying as Kaneeka slowly comes to believe it herself over the course of the chapters! I'm so glad it seems to be getting taken more seriously by the characters as the chapters pass, we start by getting introduced to the trait in chapter 1, then we don't use it much in the second, then we get to talk to the mayor and, if Gretchen is alive, get the knowledge that something is up with Reese. And then we can learn that the PASTOR TALKS TO ANIMALS TOO. In chapter 4 visiting Pastor Daniel is great, I love that the game is setting up for TTA to have more of a spotlight.

Now Mystical. Mystical is probably my favorite trait. I've heard some people say it feels useless early on, and I think those people may not have played with it in their first run, cause going in blind with mystical makes you aware of a lot of stuff, like knowing someone will die out on the trails on Monday before it actually happens made me so tense, and knowing something is suspicious about Sybil when she gives you that look, or that "You're finally back where you belong" sending the shivers of foreboding up the spine!

It gives you longer visions if you have it (and are drinking Sybil's evil tea), so it's great for me who loves theorizing and lore. And the channeling of Charlie’s spirit in his funky funhouse of fright? That whole sequence with the seance options is what truly got me hooked on the game.

I also love how it seems mystical MC’s can be a little frustrated by chapter 4? The whole “hopefully my powers will finally do more than make me unwillingly channel ghosts” makes you sound so fed up with how not only are you forced into knowing things will happen and having no control over it, but also fed up with how no one takes you seriously. Like Stella seems a little excited at the prospect you could be a psychic when meeting Duke, and Avery is chill with everyone so they don’t judge you, but everyone else brushes you aside or looks at you weird. Also Sybil, fucking Sybil trying to make me feel my abilities are less than her’s during the tea reading. Lady I will find a way to have me and your daughter mystic blast you, you can’t even do anything without making people drink tea, suffer.

Anyway sorry for the rambling! I’m obsessed with this game, so much so I joined the discord, I rarely join stuff like that due to nerves, so that’s how you know the brainrot is REAL.

[rakkuntoast]

Your talks about Missa's mischaracterization are exactly why I made a post specifically asking for Missa mains to give me their analyses for me to reference in Awake Me From My Nightmare.

I even went as far as to slap some parts of the post in Google Translate encouraging Spanish qsmp fans to reply to me and I'd just have someone translate their analysis for me. Which I did (thank u Kami ily). And I was so fucking happy when more of my responses came from Spanish speaking fans than English. Peak QSMP moment <3

But anyway yeah. Missa's characterization has been lowkey my biggest concern writing the fic tbh. I wanna do him justice. He definitely isn't written as a pathetic woobified uwu cinnamon roll, that's for sure.

I've been staring very hard at the paragraphs people gave me on his character and I THINK I've been doing a decent job at balancing the "gets overwhelmed by things" wet cat side Crows see AND the "um actually he could kick your ass and can be a bitchy little shit" reality?? Mans is getting lots of moments where he's like "fuck this" and gets ready to Literally Fight God. There's still lots of tears, but like, if YOUR husband was in front of you covered in his own blood and lookin like he's rapidly wasting away in real time, you'd be an emotional wreck too. So I'm decently confident in his characterization, but I still have that "AAAAA I HOPE I'M DOING THIS RIGHT" worry. 100% gonna be clinging to comments from readers about if I did him justice. So far I've characterized everyone (Phil, Fit, Etoiles) super well according to readers. 😭🙏🏻 Hoping I keep up the streak with Missa in Chapter 3.

The discussion you've been having is exactly why I'm doing my best to do him actual justice. And I might actually read back through your posts and translate the Spanish bits just to get even more insight. I don't see enough people talking about qMissa like this.

And on a semi-related note, GOD I wish there were more YouTube clip compilations of Missa moments. Like idec if they're not just qsmp, I want more of them in general!! Idk if I just wasn't searching well enough or what but when I went looking a while back, there were MAYBE 2 videos at all, let alone Eng subtitled so I could understand them. And rooting through Tumblr for clips is a pain. 💀

Tldr thanks for talking abt this Rakk, this is exactly why I've been busting my ass trying to not write Missa reduced to one trait or the other. Tbh I've been seeking out proper analysis/understanding of qMissa even before I was writing him in a fic. Bc I KNOW what we Crows see is a fraction of his character.

ISAAAA you're doing God's work honestly, the "fights God through tears" is peak qmissa characterization akfknsjx

I do think we need more translated Missa content, sadly like the best thing you can get is qsmp clips translated or someone on twt decided to translate this one bit from his videos (like him having a crush on a pineapple)

it's sad that it doesn't get talked about how clever the guy is and while the fix is pretty easy (just getting more missasaurios to talk about him) it's just a case of bothering to translate stuff cuz that shit takes time and effort

as well as missa's miscaracterization not being talked about as much cuz a lot of the ppl who talk abt him are English crows who think he's a sopping wet cat<- i am BEGGING for people to unlearn this word it's making me insane

[mezzy303]

HI IN LIGHT OF CHAPTER 1114 OF ONE PIECE I AM COMBINING SOME THEORIES A BIT

It might be safe to say that I can axe my theory (here) that the world is sinking due to natural phenomena lol. BUT I'm gonna keep the idea that the people of the Great Kingdom knew the event would happen sometime in the future, and add on the one that connects Lulusia and Enies Lobby (here).

To summarize the latter, the One Piece Wikia has a trivia note on the Lulusia page that points out that the crater formed after Lulusia was destroyed is similar to the circular falls that surround Enies Lobby. This had got me thinking that 800 years ago, the same or similar weapon was used on an island (possibly the Great Kingdom itself) and the World Govt placed their judicial island over the subsequent crater as a monument to their victory and an example of the lengths they'd go for their "justice."

And now from the new chapter, Vegapunk has directly connected the rising sea levels from the Mother Flame weapon to the Void Century. “In order to understand where the world is heading, we must first address the past, specifically what happened 900 to 800 years ago.” This likely means that the weapon Imu and the Five Elders used existed 800 years ago, if one would need to know the past to understand what's currently going on. A threat from the past is also threatening the future. And I feel like with every chapter, there are more hints that suggest this weapon could be Uranus, the final Ancient Weapon. We know next to nothing about Uranus, except that it's one of the three Ancient Weapons mentioned in the Poneglyphs. Since the other two relate to the gods they're named after, many fans have theorized that Uranus will relate to the sky somehow. And as the lasers that annihilated Lulusia came from the sky, it's likely that the weapon is somewhere above the clouds, which would fit in the theorized theme for Uranus. Also the amount of destruction it caused aligns with what we've been told about the Ancient Weapons' potential. An island-sized crater in the earth that causes global earthquakes and rising sea levels certainly counts as mass destruction!

I've been mulling in my head since the last chapter that the Elders have had this weapon at least since the end of the Void Century, but that it could only be used with the Ancient Energy (the same energy the Iron Giant had run on) of the Great Kingdom and that technology was lost after its fall. And then comes Vegapunk who was researching this energy to create his own everlasting energy source to better the world, thus developing the Mother Flame. On a side note, I wonder if the Elders were using Vegapunk this whole time in order to create something that Uranus could run on. Idk I get that York tipped them off, but it seems too coincidental that the Elders would get a sample of the Flame and a guaranteed loyalist that can create it, and then order Vegapunk's death soon after. Vegapunk just seems like too much of a wild card to have been kept alive for so long.

But back on topic!! When the Elders were "testing the Mother Flame" on Lulusia, what I think they were really doing was seeing if that energy would work with Uranus. And because it did, they are desperate to make sure the Flame stays intact on Egghead, as it's they're only way to use Uranus. They've already shown the extent they'll go to in order to keep the world under their feet, it would be just a minor inconvenience for the world's land to sink if it means they can continuously subjugate entire islands in an instant (they live on the Red Line, what does it matter to them if sea levels rise?)

And if the Elders, likely some of the original 20 allied monarchs, had similar views 800 years ago as they do now, then it probably wasn't hard to conclude how they would use Uranus when they got their hands on it. And that could be the reason why Noah was built. Those of the Great Kingdom, a highly advanced civilization, knew the ramifications of using Uranus and thus were preparing for the inevitability of a world with little land. As Doflamingo mentioned, just 5 more meters of rising sea level would swallow up most urban spaces, so it would only take at least 5 more times of using Uranus to sink the majority of land globally (if each use causes sea levels to rise 1 meter). The World Govt then erased records of the Ancient Weapons to make sure no one else could threaten them with the other two, but also to hide the fact they already had one in their possession. And as a counter, the shipwrights of Water 7 passed down Pluton’s blueprints in case the World Govt got hold of that weapon too, which I had brought up in one of my posts.

I feel like with every chapter I'm reforming and rerouting theories lmao. Let's see how this holds up in two weeks 😂

[imaginespazzi]

Yeah no that definitely makes sense and agreed - I think at that stage in her life and career, she'd only have a child out of circumstance rather than on purpose.

P would be trying real hard not to let her favouritism show while she's coaching, but everyone knows anyway that she's extra soft for Stephie. Imagine a game where Stephie gets a little hurt and P's ready to fight another 6-yr old kid lmao.

I keep imagining how soft and cute P would be with a mini Azzi 🥹

Ooo yep, I definitely vibe with staying as close to irl UConn lore as possible, plus I'm never gonna say no to another cruise scene haha.

Oh imagine when P comes around to Storrs during Azzi's final year to visit the menaces or even just when she's facetiming any of them and that inevitable awkwardness of broaching the Azzi topic, or Azzi accidentally walking in while the others are on the phone with her.

I realise I've just kinda assumed that they break up after P's final year 😅 Would that mean that the public never knew about their relationship? At least, not officially?

If that's the case, do the media or public ever question their "friendship" and why they don't seem to be close anymore?? Like when P gets traded, and there's talk about the two "former best friends" being reunited?

Also, do they still kinda fall into each other at times after breaking up? Maybe especially that first year or so after the break up, like during Azzi's final college year and then slowly fade into no communication? Or do they immediately cut off all connection and only interact at public events and games? Or just barely interact at all?

Oh and I know I've been advocating for Tim to still always be checking in on P, even if it's just at games but I am super curious in general about the dynamics between Azzi and P's family and P and Azzi's family after they break up. Especially Azzi and Drew, cause you know I'm a sucker for a Drew cameo and Azzi + Drew interactions!

A Steph appearance! Just don't make Stephie into a Warriors fan 😫😂

Ooo a possible divorce situation with P??? Ugh I'm so curious about other relationships they had after breaking up! Although idk about P getting married to someone else (only cause I'm selfish and just can't see her marrying anyone other than Azzi lol) - what if she got engaged and came close but in the end, she just couldn't go through with it?? Or we can go with divorce, that's cool too, it has been 9 years after all haha.

I mean… I may or may not have a playlist where I drag songs into if they give me the exes to lovers fic vibe 😏. I need a title for it though!

Ngl, I actually was thinking "oh I wonder what Taylor song Nivi's gonna go with for this one?" 😆 Last Kiss seems like a pretty perfect choice. But now that just makes me think that we're about to go through even more pain than we did with the UCLA fic before we get a happy ending. We are gonna get a happy ending, right?

Speaking of Taylor songs - why do I feel like loml could potentially be one of the songs used for a chapter - "what we thought was for all time was momentary" or "you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles. I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all."

Oh btw Nivi, you totally don't have to address all or any of my questions!! I literally just chuck in whatever comes to mind but please feel free to tell me to just wait for the fic to find out the answers 😅

And pleaseee, your "NO NO NO NOPE NO" in response to that ask about you having kids had me dead 😭

ALSO, Tatum and Ella Mai expecting a baby?! Talk about private but not a secret, they did a fine ass job keeping the pregnancy quiet as long as they did though!

-🙋‍♀️

EVERYONE HAS ME SO CONFLICTED I have no idea what to do lmao maybe I'll just leave it open-ended and we don't have to go into how this child came to be lol

LMAO all the other parents whining about playing time and their child not getting a starting role meanwhile Azzi's out here giving Paige a talking to about how they're literally 5 year old's, this is not that serious and Stephie doesn't needa start every single game

I actually haven't decided the exact time for when they break up but it's definitely before Azzi gets to the W I think but I haven't really thought about the media reaction yet, other than that it's obviously a big deal when they end up on the same team again in the sense that it's a huge deal that two mvp's are teaming up

So....mayhaps a little spoiler but there might potentially be just a little bit of Drew and Azzi angst at some point because let's just remember she was in his life from very young and then she wasn't.

Well if I go with the Valkyries, it only make sense babes. Trust it's gonna be as hard to write for me as it is for you to read but Stephie is very likely gonna be a Warriors fans (that hurt to write oh lord)

LMAO give me a title?

Happy ending? Hmmmm what's that?

YES LOML WOULD HIT SO GOOD. Maybe I'll use that in chapter but I gotta add it to my playlist asap for sure.

I literally got that ask and was like, y'all I am literally in college, no I do not have a child thanks!

I SAW THAT. I'M SO EXICTED FOR THEM!! They really did such a good job and aww Deuce is gonna get a little sibling.

[sessakag]

Hi! I'm really curious about your writing process because you're writing so many stories simultaneously which i think is really impressive. 💖 Do you already know what's gonna happen in the story such as the ending? Do you outline the plot before starting a story or is the plot decided as the story goes? Do you also forget what happened in the previous chapters so as that you have to reread them before writing the next chapter?

My writing process can be summed up in one word: chaos.

Absolute chaos, no joke. I am always all over the place, bouncing from one fic to another, files everywhere, folders everywhere, docs everywhere, like omg, its so disorganized on my side of the fic but its like a disorganization I can navigate quite easily most of the time😅and yes, I write a lot of stories simultaneously, but its on a bigger scale than folks see, lol. I've been working on 8 unpublished stories at once alongside Prey and Butterfly for the last month or so🤔my brain is just always going, and it switches from one thing to other, sometimes within minutes, sometimes days, sometimes hours, and then I get super fixated on whatever has my attention at the moment and the words just come pouring out of my brain😅I do take breaks when my hands and wrist start to ache, though that only makes me think of more stuff to write about.

I usually have a very clear vision for my fics, they're like movies or tv shows that I live through and experience inside my head, but the majority of the decisions on how to get to point A to B are made on the fly and I do not constrain myself if the story takes me somewhere other than the "clear vision" lol. I'm allergic to following guidelines. I just can't write like that, I have to like, feel the story as I write and if I can't experience the feeling of it then I go a different route, planned or not. it's hard to explain it without sounding like a crazy lady😅but yeah, I'm all feels and instinct with my stories, not much deliberate structure, though I have tried that before, and I was bored to tears and started dreading writing. Prey is a prime example of this. I planned on writing it one way, Prey!Naruto told me no🤭

I know how just about every single one of my fics are going to end already. I may not know how I'll get there, or what will happen in between, but I do know for a fact how they will conclude(unless the story demands a different end, but it's not likely to happen I don't think). I've already written the end for Butterfly, Monster, A Cure For Love, Prey, Dirty Little Secret, most of my unpublished fics and partially finished Secrets but I'm iffy on that one since I'm torn in two directions on how to conclude it. Once I get to the sequel I should have a better feel for it. But yeah, the end of these stories are already ready, they're just waiting for me to get there😂probably one of the reasons why I linger so much on fics so much🤔I already know they end and wanna have fun until the party's over🤭

I do forget things sometimes and need to re-read my stories, though for the most part, my fics are like movies I've seen a million times and I remember them just fine. I mostly re-read to pick up the momentum I had before I left, or to "get back in character" with the characters in the fic. Like if I've been writing Prey for an extended period of time, and then want to go to a fic where Naruto is more in line with his canon self, I'll have to re-read the story to put that hat back on, or listen to music that's less idgaf trap rap and more Naruto OST🤭but forgetting what happened in the previous chapters nah, not really. Not unless I'm having an episode or something, lol. Then Idk wtf is going on🤭

Anywho, hope this answered all your questions, but feel free to ask more!